Turning grief into faith.

Living and loving with abandon despite our hurts in the past is so, so hard. Harder than anything I’ve done. Our trust has been broken, and our hearts want to close off to protect ourselves from more pain. It’s that human instinct, where if we let it, our hearts can and will grow hard. At least that’s the way it’s been for me. In the past year, I’ve had three separate pregnancies, and lost three babies.

But that’s not how I want to end up. A hardened heart that closes myself off from feeling the rawness of life. At the end of my days, with or without children on this earth, I want to know that I experienced the joy and the pain fully. It’s not about what I was or wasn’t blessed with in my lifetime. It’s not about us at all. I choose to praise Him because He is good, no matter what my circumstances may be. That’s just who Christ is. He isn’t good just because He’s blessed us with another life growing inside me right now. And if He too, took this life to be with Him before I am ready, He is still good and I will praise Him.

In the easy times and in the middle of the storm, I want to learn to speak of His faithfulness always. 

 

~ M

The Traveling Ladies Bookclub: Edition 2

 

 The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman
This book was amazing, and easily one of my favourites. It takes place in the ’20′s (that era gets me every time) on an isolated island off the coast of Australia, following the young love of a lighthouse keeper and his wife, and the unraveling of an impossible decision made. The story is beautifully written and terribly heart wrenching (tissue alert!) and pulls you in completely.

The History Of Love by Nicole Krauss
I was immediately absorbed by this book. An intriguing, interesting, and surprising read, one that I highly enjoyed. At times I wondered how the various characters were connected, but the way the story wraps up in the end makes it all worth it.

Z: A Novel Of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Anne Fowler
If you read and loved The Paris Wife, you’ll love this book, too! It was such an enjoyable escape of a book, one that sheds light on the fascinating life of Zelda Fitzgerald and what it was to be the wife of Scott Fitzgerald.

Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter
A decent read that flipped back and forth between Italy, Ireland and Hollywood, between several characters, and across different periods of time. At times super interesting and surprising, and at other times, long-winded and seemingly pointless. I was expecting more from this book but reached the end a little disappointed.

The Traveling Ladies Book Club

During a conversation with a friend of mine this weekend, we realized that we had just finished reading the same book (The Light Between Oceans). We ecstatically blubbered on and on about each character and scene in the novel. We were so enthralled, it was such a treat to be able to gush over the happenings of some fiction story far, far away with someone who had been there too. After this exciting realization, we decided, why not have an online Book Club? We had always wanted to be a part of a real-life book club but with our nomadic lifestyles as of right now, it’s hard to find one. So without further adieu, I introduce “The Traveling Ladies Book Club”.

As of right now, I’ll just share some of my most recent reads and reviews, and perhaps you’ve been looking for a good book to meander through. And so, once you’ve read, we can pretend to sit down for a cup of tea and gush over each new beautiful story that draws us in.

 

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak: To continue with my apparent theme of crying, this one…had me sobbing as the book drew to a close. So you know it’s a good one! I admit I wasn’t a fan at first, with the narrator of the story being “Death” and the beginning quite dark and morbid. But as you follow Liesel, a German foster girl, and her life during World War II, you realize it’s not a dark story at all. I think I can say every one of us in our book club loved this book…and I think you would, too.

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls: A hilarious story of the author’s own upbringing and family who is extremely dysfunctional, yet she never communicates disappointment in her parents. By the end of the book, Jeannette has finally reconciled her past and present and no longer feels the need to hide behind lies or half-truths.

The Paris Wife by Paula McLain: This one drew me in immediately. It takes place in the 1920’s (I love that era and wish I could have lived in it) and follows the messy and painful marriage of Hedley and Ernest Hemingway. This story never lost my attention once.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitsgerald: I read this book during the summer months and it was an absorbing story. Another 1920’s setting (I’m sensing a theme here) that captured the life of Jay Gatsby, his love for Daisy Buchanan and his lavish parties of Jay Gatsby that I only wish I could have attended myself.

Sweet-As-Can-Be Lemonade Recipe

 

In California, we have hit the jackpot. Lemons are in all their glory. Soft and easy to squeeze. Sweet and sour all at once.

Now, I love me some lemonade.

But I don’t so much love all the added sugars that usually accompany such an innocent and well-meaning fruit.

So, I bring you my tweaked and true Sweet-As-Can-Be Lemonade recipe.

Juice from 4-6 lemons

A whole lot of purified water (I usually make a big jug)

Stevia 2-4 teeny tiny spoonfuls (~1/8 tsp)

Mint leaves chopped up

Ice cubes

– Adjust this recipe as you prefer the taste, add more stevia,leave out the mint,

and if you’re feeling wild, throw in some fresh raspberries! –

Standing still.

Time. It goes by.

Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow.

Sometimes we wish it away. And sometimes we wish it to stay.

Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it heals.

Sometimes we waste it. And sometimes we embrace it.

Then you, my McKinley and Marielle, made time stand still.

September 15th 2013

There are no more words left for my heartache.

My heart doesn’t even know where to begin. I take a deep breath and can’t shake the heaviness that’s consumed me. Seven weeks after learning we were pregnant with another baby, I miscarried this past Sunday, February 9th at 11 weeks. It was heart wrenching and awful and I can’t believe it’s actually happened, after all of this. After all we’ve been through. We lost another baby.

 

I never in a million years saw it coming. Last week I started spotting and in my heart, I think I knew then that this pregnancy was over. Although I was reassured that spotting occurs for lots of reasons, and can still mean a healthy pregnancy, deep down I knew I wasn’t moving forward for long.

 

Brian flew to Calgary on Thursday morning. As I dropped him off at the airport, I had this sick feeling in my stomach that things would be different when he returned on Sunday afternoon. I won’t go into graphic details but soon after he left, the miscarrying began. My heart is just broken. Again.

 

I don’t know what God is doing. I’m so confused. So upset. We believed this was our “Hope” baby. My heart is just so heavy. I said that after we lost the girls that I could never do this again….. and yet, here I am.

The healing heart.

It’s still surreal for me to comprehend these past three and a half months of 2013. What a whirl wind. It’s still surreal… the realization of twins, the birth and death of our firstborn daughters. The outpouring of love showered on us, God’s grace and mercy and comfort throughout it all. Despite everything, we have been so blessed.

I’ve come to appreciate things at such a deeper level than I think I would ever have if all of this never happened. I wake up and roll over, looking at my sleeping husband and sometimes start silently crying over my thankfulness for him. I thank God every day for the gift of my husband, and throughout it all, we still have each other to hold tight and our marriage is stronger.We have hope. Something I couldn’t really imagine having on September 15th. But our God is a God of restoration, of healing, of love and redemption. He uses our pain for beauty. His plans are so much higher than our own. His ways cannot be conceived by man. No pain or suffering, nothing is wasted by our God.

I’m in such a crazy place in life. Not sure what direction to step next and how many steps to take. I’ve been off work since going into the hospital in September, just not able to deal with the questions and conversations with patients in the office. But I feel ready to work now… but I’m still longing for a fresh start, not having to deal with back tracking after I have finally come to a place of being able to talk about the girls without crying now. I’m just going to keep trusting God with my future. I trust Him to sew it all together, to add patches where there have been rips in the fabric and even cut away pieces that don’t need to be there any more. I want to be a new garment. A new vase glued back together after being shattered. Molded by the maker’s hands.

The journey of a healing heart is not easy. And I don’t expect my heart will ever forget the pain of losing our daughters. But I cling to His promise of hope. And I cling to the peace and joy that He gives me. I take each day moment by moment. Rejoicing in the small things. Staying thankful so I don’t focus on the sadness. He is good, even in my suffering.

Christmas in Maui.

We had thee best time in Maui.

12 days of beautiful beaches, the most incredible sunsets, fresh local fruit and coconuts,
amazing snorkeling, naps on hammocks, morning workouts in paradise, and lots of laughs with our parents…
now that is a recipe for a wonderful time.

Our favorite highlights were: Venus pools (across the street from one of our accommodations), Seven Sacred Pools hike through a bamboo forest in Hana, snorkeling with our dear friends Dave & Abby at Makena Beach and the “Dumps”, watching sunsets every night in Kihei, yoga and workouts on the beach, all of our accommodations… etc etc.

We are so rested and refreshed. It was perfect timing to get away and not be focusing on the looming of our girls due date. We had such a great time with Don and Linda. That’s our second big trip with them (September 2012 we went to Israel together). Very thankful for being able to experience such a beautiful place. We hope to go back soon…. or move there! 🙂

   

When it all hurts.

I’m sitting at Starbucks working. Never far from my mind are Marielle & McKinley. Always there.

As I work on office stuff, a man places a baby around the same age the girls would be today, on the table in front of me. The baby is smiling and blowing bubbles, and her father walks off to grab a coffee a few feet away.

I am left with a straight on view of his beautiful little girl smiling at me from a car seat covered in hearts.

With a pink hand-knitted blanket over it exactly like the one we wrapped McKinley and Marielle in.

I can hardly muster the strength to lean my head against the wall and fight back my tears, eyes anywhere but on her. I tell myself, “This baby has nothing to do with yours. She is different. You can’t cry here. This child has nothing to do with you or Marielle or McKinley. There are lots of babies the same age as her in the world. You need to get used to this.”

And yet.

 

Yet my heart is aching for my daughters so bad that as I type this, minutes after the father finally leaves with his child, I am left with tear filled eyes and a work focus gone. I can’t think of anything else but how bad it hurts and why God would allow that to happen to me today. Why that little girl? Why facing me? Why the pink knit blanket?

Why why why why why why why

I have no answers. I know this is going to happen time and time again. It still does. It all hurts. Twins. Pregnancies. Newborns. Little girls. Big families. Toddlers. Girl clothes.

All triggers. All where I can try to rationalize, “It’s not about you. It’s just life.”

But it just reminds me over and over again what I lost.

I hate being like this. And no, it’s never going to go away or get better. I just get a bit more numb or learn how to handle it.

Whatever. I don’t understand any of this.

Life as of lately via Instagram.

The last two weeks have been busy. We moved on the 20th and I’ve been hard at work making our new apartment a home.

We love it. It’s just enough of a change for us, and I’m really enjoying the fresh start. Plus, there is even enough counter space for a coffee and tea station! Helllloooooo wonderful!

Our bedroom wall – I found a great printable of Galatians 5 off of pinterest and hung it above our bed. It has the girls middle names it in.

My man has been so busy with school this quarter. It feels crazy that he’s back in it full swing again. He’s started student clinic this quarter too – which is exciting – but on top of all the regular classes he still has, it’s a bit of a whirlwind. Physical exams, adjustments, tracking clinic hours, studying for exams, exams and more exams (!!!!!), I’m just glad it’s not me!

 

This past weekend we went over to our friends Steph & Cam’s place for a Harvest Party. They had a bunch of people over and we carved pumpkins, watched Ghost Busters and had some festive treats. It was really fun to hang out with everyone, lots of laughs.

 

Bri carved a full spine on his pumpkin and the back of mine. People loved it.

I chose to go for a heart themed pumpkin 🙂

 

Lastly in our news, I am relieved to report that candy cane Lane has hit the stores yet again for it’s annual appearance! I had just used up my last tea bag from last years box and had been rationing myself so that I would last until it came out again! Phew! I made it 🙂 With the cooler mornings and evenings, we’ve been enjoying hot and yummy teas (& hearty soups and chili) and snuggling up on the couch with a blanket. This is very much appreciated in California, where most of the year we would call it quits after 2 minutes because we’d both be sweating and chuck the blankets across the room.